How to drive your doctor nuts!
It's been a slow morning and I am rather bored. So I thought I'd post a light hearted entry.
Some tips on ways to drive your doctor nuts!
1) Never answer your doctor's questions directly. If possible don't answer any questions at all. Just say something totally unrelated.
Doc : so is your cough productive?
Patient : I've got a bit of gastric upset also
Doc : Is it related to meals?
Patient : I'm a vegetarian.
2) Do the "people say..." trick. Example :
Patient : Is there anything I should avoid eating because of my wound?
Doc : Not in particular
Patient : But people say that eating prawns and seafood is no good.
Doc : Well if you feel more comfortable to avoid it then go ahead. But there's no real medical explanation why you shouldn't take prawns and seafood.
Patient : cannot be lah doc you dunno one lah. People say you know.....
3) If the doctor is kind enough to tell you "Feel free to give me a call if you have any concerns", give him a call EVERY MORNING and tell him all your problems eg boyfriend/girlfriend concerns, pet concerns, cannot decide what to wear concerns etc. I mean he did say to feel free to call him right?
4) Take note of what time your GP clinic closes. Come to the clinic 1 minute before it closes. If clinic staff make noise, tell them "Still got one minute, not yet close mah"
5) At every visit, criticize the appearance of your doctor. Example "Doc you gained a lot of weight hor?", "Doc you look very haggard", "Doc you getting more white hairs", "Doc you starting to get more wrinkles", "Doc you look very young, are you a houseman?"
6) Be super inquisitive. Ask your doctor what medicines he is giving you and criticize his decisions. Example
Patient : So doc what medicine you giving me ar?
Doc : I'll be giving you an antihistamine for your runny nose, cough syrup for your cough and amoxicillin antibiotics
Patient : what color is the antihistamine ar?
Doc : Yellow
Patient : I don't like the yellow one leh. What about the cough syrup? I don't like the black one. And the antibiotics is it the red and black color one?
Doc : Yes
Patient : Can I have the pink color one instead?
Doc : err....
Patient : So good to give me those medicine I want or not?
Doc : well if you wish to have them.....
Patient : but I dunno leh you the doctor mah.
7) Dispute the doctor's diagnosis and insist it is something more serious.
Patient : doc I got very serious skin problem
Doc : Hmm it looks like you are having urticarial patches probably as a result of some sort of allergy....
Patient : Cannot be allergy lah. Very very itchy you know
Doc : yes urticarias are itchy
Patient : My friend say it's "grow snake". Can give me the medicine to "kill snake"?
Continue by totally dismissing the doctor's diagnosis and insist on getting what you want even if he doesn't understand you.
8) Go with someone to see the doctor but also consult him for your own problems. That way you can get free consultation or two consults for the price of one. If you can get the whole ching gang to go together and consult him. Remember to only register ONE NAME at the counter. As for medicine, tell the doctor "Can just write all the medicine under his card can?"
9) Go into the room and tell the doctor your problem. If he asks you other questions, tell him to shut up and quickly treat you.
Patient : Doc I got very bad tummy pain. Quick give me an injection!
Doc : Where is the pain?
Patient : Why you ask me? You're the doctor you tell me lah! Quick give me the bloody injection now. Very pain!
10) If you have children, Instruct your child to tear apart the doctor's room when you go in with him. Play with the stethoscope, spill all the tongue depressors on the floor, drop the sphygmomamometer and fall off the couch while trying to climb it. Then tell the doctor "Your clinic room so dangerous one, see can injure my son!"